Friday, March 21, 2008

Walk Upon the Edge of No Escape and Laugh

My stuff is still in boxes. I've been too depressed to move in all the way. Once again, I've wiped the past clean and I'm standing at the crossroads.

One way, I live my life the way it's been, trying to get out of everything that comes along and taking anything I can get away with. The other way, I start saying yes to things and see what happens. I tried this once before, and it worked out pretty well for a while. All this great stuff came my way because of other things I'd let in. Then it kind of trailed off.

Let me give you an example. I had this job (this was all back when I worked. It was my parent's idea). Instead of hiding out in the back all the time, doing whatever it was we did back there, I agreed to do some of the slightly-more-responsibility stuff. After a little while, they promoted me, and I made more money with slightly less effort. Don't let anyone tell you it's not work to avoid doing work, because it takes just as much dedication. The point is, all that slightly-more-responsibility stuff was actually kind of a challenge, and I was getting a little respect and some authority for the first time, so I quit. My inner nature won out, and I never learned whatever my parents were trying to teach me.

That's the real question here, whether I could change even if I wanted to. Maybe I was just born this way, and I'll never really care, but sometimes I feel like I want to. I have fantasies of being an actual super hero, taking the challenge. Then I remember who I am.




Thursday, March 20, 2008

Liiiiight Well


There's some thin rays of hope coming down into my little apartment. My new bedroom is on the building's light well. I can climb out my window and stand there. I imagine flying up to the little patch of sky I can see above me, but there's all these windows on the way. If someone sees me, I might blow my secret identity.

Yeah, I'm DISGUISED as the piece of shit who stands in the light well, smoking cigarettes in his bathrobe. It's all a cover. My real identity is something other than the complete failure I am 24/7. In my real life, I'm a superhero. Who would suspect that? I sure don't.

I gotta get out of here. I could move, but it'd just be the same thing somewhere else. Wherever I go, I'll still be there, and I don't want to explain it to the guy who gave me this place why I'm leaving after a week.




Sunday, March 16, 2008

Coffee of a Coffee of a Coffee

Haven't been able to sleep since I got here. I hate this place. I'm sleepy, but I still toss all night, and since I have nothing to do when I get up, I don't have any reason to be awake ever. I wish I could sleep all the time.

I got up about an hour ago and started drinking cup after cup of coffee. Reverse psychology. I reached for the phone, but there was nobody calling.

Ten seconds later, the phone rang.

Was I hallucinating? Is there a problem with the signal? It was my lawyer again, chasing my ambulance. The depressing idea that comes to mind is that it's some new superpower, seeing the future. That's the last thing I need. I already have a power, and it doesn't help anything. I think it's only made my life worse, from expecting myself to act like a hero. Besides, I'd probably have to drink so much coffee to see the future, I'd be all jittery all the time. Not worth it.

And I can't blame all my problems on heightened expectations, because by my estimation, I'm a lousy human being first and a lousy hero second. Hey, I've got a prediction for the future: I suck.




Thursday, March 13, 2008

Goodbye, My Home



There it is, up on the hill. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do anymore, but I know it's gonna fail.

I wish I could have been Bruce Wayne, living in Wayne manor, running the family business. If I could do it all again, I'd do it right. I could walk into the place for the first time, know what it was for, not take it all for granted. The lawyers have it now. They'll do whatever the hell they want with it.

So I'm moving into some shit hole. What could compare to having my own mansion? I was gonna look for a place to live, but it seemed like too much trouble, and some old friend of my parents has a place for rent. I'll live there for a while, then I'll do something else. It doesn't matter.

My whole life, I've been moving from one place to another. Wherever I went, whatever went wrong, I could count on my parents to bail me out. I was another one of their charitable institutions. Now I'm someone else's hard luck case, someone who doesn't give a shit if I live or die. He just let me rent from him as a favor to my parents. We'll see how long that holds out. Would anyone care if I did die? Maybe I could leave something to charity. They're not getting my money as long as I need it, but when I'm gone, it might as well go to someone besides the lawyers. Would that be enough of a good deed to get the house back?