Monday, July 30, 2007

R.I.P.

Ingmar Bergman is dead. He died today or last night or something. I kind of liked the guy. His movies were good, but there was also this quote of his I always liked: "My personal view is that when we die, we die, and we go from a state of something to a state of absolute nothingness; and I don’t believe for a second that there’s anything above or beyond or anything like that; and this makes me enormously secure."

What a cool guy. I used to wonder a lot about religion and the future and death and stuff, but when I read that, it was the first thing that really made sense to me. I think it's comforting that nothing you do is going to last forever, that any problems you have, anything you're afraid of, are eventually going to go away. I don't know if I'm explaining this right. Nothing I do makes any difference. That's great. I used to be afraid of fucking things up, but now I know I don't have to be afraid. Someday, I'll be dead, and all the stuff I cared about is gonna be gone, along with every mistake I ever made. People talk about death like it's something to be afraid of. I don't feel that way. I think it's comforting to know that I have an end. Would you want to live with the consequences of your mistakes forever?




Saturday, July 28, 2007

I Can't Land

I keep getting nervous. I see the ground, and I know it's coming. I did it once. If I hadn't done it the first time, maybe it'd be different, but right now, that's totally messing with my head.

Every time I jump off the roof, I get half way down, I'm watching the rungs on the thing go by, and I'm sinking slow, then I drop. Sometimes it's the last three feet. Sometimes it's six feet. My knees really hurt right now. It's the same injury, I know it. Everything hurts, but mostly my knees.

Something was lifting me up when I was sleeping. I should have the ability to go up, but I can't. I just keep falling. I've got to do something else. If I can make that jump the first time, I should be able to make something else the first time.




Thursday, July 26, 2007

I Can Fly

I'm alive. I didn't die. It was pretty cool, actually. I went up on the roof, and I stood on the edge, and I let myself go totally limp, like when I go to sleep. I started to collapse, but then I didn't. Damn, I can't really describe it. Maybe it's like when you're in an elevator that drops really fast. You know how you go up a little, even though there's nothing lifting you? Anyway, I had to stay limp, because if I wake up, I fall. I know that much. I let myself lean a little bit forward, towards the edge of the roof. I kept going until I was almost horizontal. My feet left the ground, and I was over the edge.

I got nervous. I started falling faster, not like gravity would do, but faster than over my bed. I was still sixty feet up, and I had nothing to hold on to. If I was going to do this, I had to do it right, so I kept breathing and let myself fall a little deeper into sleep. The ground was so far away. I think I actually stopped falling for a second, but I can't be sure. I let myself come down slow, just like when I wake up. It was great. I kept falling, but I knew I'd be fine. I looked up at the street lamps on my street. I was dropping down next to an electrical pole, or is that a phone pole, the one with the little rungs on the side? I don't know. I watched the rungs go past. Then they ran out. I looked down and the ground came up to meet me. Perfect landing, like I'd been flying all my life.

I guess I'll do it again. After I landed, I got all wired. I mean, it was a real rush once I realized what I'd done. I don't think I can trick myself into sleep like that again.




The Roof Is Up Higher

You know what, I've been getting pretty good at floating down when I wake up. I think the time has come to try it when I'm awake. On some level, I'm always kind of asleep, and I know part of me is awake when I'm floating down. I just have to put myself in that mindset. It'd be a lot easier with a little pot, but I never seem to get above the mattress when I smoke, and I never bothered to find a new weed guy after I moved, so I don't have much left.

I went up on the roof. It's about a sixty foot drop to the street. I don't know if it'd kill me, but I'd probably break something. Whatever. I know those doctors are just waiting to get their hands on me again. It's cold up there, kind of windy. I took a picture from up there. I was gonna post it, but I don't have a flash, and you can't really see anything, just the streetlights. Maybe I'll take another one when the sun's up.

Anyway, I think I can make it. I'm gonna try. If this is my last blog, you'll know I'm in the hospital or I'm dead. I don't think I'll die, but Colombus didn't think he'd find America. We all have to take some risks.




Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I'm Really More Like This


I've been playing nintendo games most of the morning, and I remembered that Princess Toadstool could float a little in Mario 2. That's the one where it turns out it was all a dream. That's pretty much like my life, except for picking up my enemies and throwing them at other enemies. That'd be sweet.




Friday, July 20, 2007

Questions

Maybe that's not fair. I thought about the show a little more, and it does raise some interesting questions. Maybe I should have been asking these things all along. Why is this happening to me, out of all the people it could have? Aren't there people who'd be way better for this? Did someone choose me for this, like aliens, or something? Is there a purpose to it, something that I should be doing with it that I'm not? Is that why I suck so much at flying? Are there more powers I'll develop that I don't even know about yet?

I guess I should be wondering all these things, but the bottom line is that I don't really care. If I get better at flying, that'd be great, but as long as I don't fall, it doesn't matter to me how I got up there. Plus, lots of stuff has happened in my life, stuff that seemed really meaningful at the time, but none of them really mattered in the long run. I don't know, this could be the exception.

I must have lost the instructions to my life, too.




Thursday, July 19, 2007

I Am Not This Guy


Okay, this is a little embarrassing, but I've been doing a little research to find someone in the same situation as I am, and I started watching this show called Greatest American Hero. If you've seen it, you might understand why this embarrasses me. If you haven't seen it, you may not have had to lobotomize yourself with a chain saw half way through an episode.

Let me give you the short version. It's the early 80s, and an idealistic young teacher is trying to change the lives of some troubled inner city youth (who are so lame, they make The Goonies look like The Sopranos), while fighting his supermodel ex-wife for custody of their son and falling in love with his divorce lawyer for some reason. Still with me? Then, aliens come down and give him a magic suit, which gives him super powers, and make him team up with a bitter old FBI agent to solve crimes, fight terrorists and... whatever else, I don't know. The teacher guy loses the suit's instructions, which for some reason aren't in the box with the suit, so he has to figure out the powers for himself. And that is why I thought I might get something out of watching the show.

Oh, one more thing, everyone on the show is a complete moron. People see him in the super suit, and immediately want to arrest him, send him to a mental institution and pump him full of narcotics for the rest of his life. Have they seriously never heard of cosplay, or friggin' halloween? Then there's the episode where he turns invisible, and they pull his partner over and almost arrest him, a federal agent, for talking to himself in his own car. That's insane.

I can't deal with that, and I'm not going anywhere near the Flying Nun. I don't care if it gives me all the powers in the world. Nobody's invulnerable to lousy television.

The one thing I got that might possibly have been useful was when he first tries to fly, and this totally random kid walks up and says, "You have to take three steps first," and it works. Why would that kid know that? It doesn't make any sense, and guess what, it's also complete crap. It doesn't matter how many steps I take, as long as I'm awake, I can't get off the ground.




Monday, July 16, 2007

My Political Blog

Okay, I started thinking about politics and stuff, like how things are going bad in Iraq and whatever. People talk about how things aren't good "right now," but when have things ever been good? I hear about all kinds of shitty things in the past, and people working so hard to make things better, and what has all that accomplished? Are things really better now, for all the rallies and marches and progressive things? They didn't have iPhones in Vietnam. That's one thing better.

I'm bored again. The week just started, and there's nothing going on. Floating isn't even that interesting anymore. I'd like to be able to float other things. That way I'd never have to get up to do anything. I wonder if I could do that. Not if I can't even reliably float myself. I don't know if it can rightly even be called flying, since I can't figure out how to gain altitude, just wake up and make a controlled decent.




Sunday, July 15, 2007

Ow

I'm sore. Every part of me is sore. That bastard has me working out on machines and things. I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I just don't see the point. Why the hell would I want to fly if it means this kind of pain?

He called me at like six in the morning to get me out of bed. That's not right for a sunday morning. It means I got, what, two good hours? He didn't know I was above my bed. The phone rang and woke me up too quick. I fell out of the air, bounced off the mattress and hit my head. That was just the start. We did running and drills and things, then we did exercises in a gym, systematically going through and beating the shit out of each muscle.

He told me today would be the hardest day. He said I should see it through to the other side and that my body would thank me in the end, that I would thank him. Fuck it, I fired him. I'll have this body forever, puny muscles and all.




Saturday, July 14, 2007

Yer a Bum, Rock, a Bum!

As I woke up this morning, I didn't fall. I allowed myself to float gently down to my bed, then I went back to sleep, all at peace with the world and stuff. I woke up an hour later and couldn't get an inch off the mattress. There's something there I can't unlock. I know I can do it, but I'm not able to do it, and I don't know why. I came up with this idea yesterday. I think it might be because I'm not trying hard enough, so I hired someone to help motivate me, a personal trainer.

I don't know what might happen if people find out. I can't have him telling anybody about me, so I swore him to secrecy. I used my parent's lawyer to make a contract, then I had him make another one and swore the lawyer to secrecy. Nobody's going to tell anyone anything ever.

The guy I got is super tough. He doesn't seem to care that my knees hurt or that I'm breaking the laws of physics. He doesn't even seem to care that he hasn't seen my fly, just keeps saying he's gonna get me up there. Maybe I should have done my own Who's Gonna Train Me?, part 2, part 3. Igottafightcomminup!




Thursday, July 12, 2007

Stupid Doctors

I got all my test results back from the hospital. There's nothing they can do. My knees just have to heal. They told me to avoid stress on them. That's no problem. If I can't get off the ground, there's no danger of rough landings, but I can't just keep jumping and expect anything to happen.




Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Another Day, Another Fall

I'm getting much better at hanging in the air when I wake up. I started taking cat naps so I could get more practice waking. I don't know what it is about that REM state or whatever that counteracts gravity. If I could just stay half asleep all the time, that would be perfect, I'd never have to come down, and before you even say it, no amount of weed will get me to that state, and if I smoke before I fall asleep, it usually won't work.

The real disaster is trying to apply weightlessness to any other situation. There's no amount of running leaps that will make it work. I'm just not making progress at all. I give up, especially since I got really hurt today. I was at a tennis court. I guess I thought a sporting environment would inspire me or something. It's never inspired me to play sports, but I took this huge leap, as hard as my legs would go, and I close my eyes, like if I don't see the landing it'll never come. It came, hard. I almost broke my iPhone. I don't usually do this kind of thing, but I figure I've got the money, so why not call an ambulance? They cart me off to the emergency room, want to do an MRI on my knee. I haven't heard back about that. Then they wrap me all in bandages and want to keep me overnight. I can't do that. What if I wake up in the middle of the night above the hospital bed, catheter tubes all tangled or whatever?

I snuck out and called a cab. It hurts like hell to walk, but at least I'm home. They put me on something for the pain, so that could have kept me grounded, but it still hurts, so they obviously didn't give me enough.




Saturday, July 7, 2007

Well, That Was a Mistake

Yeah, that party sucked, just like I thought it would. I don't know why I went. All these old people were there that used to know my parents, trying to tell me stories. Every single one of them thinks they deserve to be listened to, maybe because they're rich or powerful, but I think they're just dicks. The only person I could find under the age of sixty was this girl with dark hair. She spent like an hour talking to me about scientology or astrology or something.

They had this really long driveway at the place. I went out and looked up at the stars. From up there on the hill, I could see the city lights all spread out below us. I felt like I was flying above the city. I tried a running leap down the driveway. I got some good height when I jumped, but nothing more than jumping would normally get me. Funny, I kind of expected it to work, and I almost tripped when I came down again.




Friday, July 6, 2007

Party. Party?

I'm doing something wrong. I woke up this morning, and I really tried to levitate, but some combination of things wasn't right. I wish I knew what it was that made me float. It's not the rays of a yellow sun, that's for sure. It's not wings, and it's not willpower. It could have something to do with my dreams. I can't remember having the flying dream the past few days, but I floated yesterday, so I don't know.

My parents got an invitation to a party this weekend. Someone didn't get the news. I think I might go, just to do something else, but I'd have to dress up. I remember when I would have done anything for free booze. Now I could have champagne shipped to me by the case, but I don't see the point. No matter how much you drink, you always sober up eventually.




Thursday, July 5, 2007

Waking Slowly

I wonder how awake I could get without falling. I feel like I'm getting closer every day. I woke up above my bed this morning, and I stayed up there for a while. I was stiff, and I started stretching, but that made me sink a little, so I laid as still as I could, and let myself fall back asleep. That kept me up there for a few more minutes. Gradually, I came down gently on to my bed.

I stayed there for another hour, trying to take off again, but I couldn't. I'll try again tomorrow.




Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Happy 4th

I always forget about holidays until the last minute, but I like watching fireworks, so instead of going out, I'll just watch this:



It's exactly what I imagine an explosion at the fireworks factory would be like. It's cool when life imitates cartoons. All that's missing is the 1812 overture. As for that other thing, the flying thing, tomorrow's another day.




Falling, With Style

Hey, remember how I spent all that effort and time trying to recreate waking up in mid air? Remember how I got all frustrated and gave up? Guess what, I didn't have to do any of that. All I had to do was chill out and take a nap.

Back up for a second. I was watching Conan (the talk show host, not the barbarian). I think it was a rerun from when he was in SF, because that was a while ago. George Lucas was really creepy, and I started wondering why I looked up to that guy as a kid. He invented Han Solo, but then he invented Jar Jar. Then they had a funny bit where Conan went to Lucasfilm and got some animators to actually go outside.

After that, I found The House of Flying Daggers and watched that for a while, but it put me to sleep. They float in that one, but it's not like mine. It looks like they're jumping really hard, and they're super trained. Even in Crouching Tiger, they would arc when they jumped, and there's the part where they balance on the bamboo, but they fall when the branches get cut out from under them.

Anyway, when I woke up, there were infomercials on, and I was up above the couch. I was mostly asleep, but some part of me knew what was happening and didn't want to wake me up. I reached down with my arms, but I couldn't reach the remote, and then I could. It doesn't really make sense, looking back. It's like dream logic. I must have floated down and grabbed it, because I don't think I could have stretched that far.

From there, I just kept flipping channels. That's the time of night when VH1 actually shows music videos, but there's never any good ones when I pass by. I must have stayed up there for twenty minutes, not watching anything. When I'm sleepy, I find that more interesting than anything on TiVo. When the exercise shows start outnumbering the infomercials, that usually means the end of the night. I turned off the TV and fell. It must have broken the spell, whatever was holding me up. I hit my arm on the coffee table when I bounced off the couch. Not cool. Now my arm hurts.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. I'll probably float again, since I seem to be doing it every time I sleep. It's not all clear in my mind. I don't understand it, and I can't explain it, but I do remember the experience, and I know it happened. That's enough for me.




Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Scientific Joke

I don't know. I just spent the whole day trying to recreate the circumstances from this morning, but nothing's happening. The blankets, the lighting, my position, all the same, but I couldn't make myself float. I tried rocking back and forth, like I was on the swings, trying to imagine the way it felt. I tried alcohol, weed, a parade of over the counter narcotics and then all of them in combination, but nothing seems to make me tired in just the right way. I'm sure it's not a hallucination or a dream, but I don't have any way to prove it except my own memory, and after all the narcotics, who'd believe that?

What are the odds that one guy, a loser like me, is going to break with all of the established laws of physics? Newton's way smarter than me. He did experiments and math, and proved how gravity works. Then Einstein came along and said gravity could work another way, and he proved it even better, but neither of them would ever believe I was above that bed without falling.

Anyway, I get to play with the iPhone now. I'm not sure why people are so excited about this thing. It's very shiny, but now that I have it, I don't know what I'll really do with it that I couldn't do before.




It's True

It just happened again. I swear, I woke up in mid air. I was floating like five feet above my bed. I woke up in the middle of the night (or morning, for you normal people) because the covers were draped over me, and they started to slip. I grabbed for them as they fell and regained just enough consciousness that I felt nothing supporting me, but I wasn't conscious enough for that to seem strange. I hung there like Wyle E. Coyote. After a little while, some part of my brain said I should pay more attention, and I stepped out of the air. My feet came down, and I was standing on the bed. By then, I was more awake, and I started to realize what'd just happened. I knew it wasn't a dream, because I was standing, and I never sleepwalk. Trust me, if I wake up somewhere strange, it's because I passed out there. I'm not sure what to do. I came straight to the computer and wrote this. I floated. It's real. I'll have to reread this later, when things make more sense.




Monday, July 2, 2007

Gotta Fly

I should get out of here. On one hand, I'm just settling in. On the other hand, I'm really bored. This place is getting claustrophobic. I just spent an hour on Orbitz, Travelocity and the Shatner one, trying to find the highest prices for flights. Almost $5000 round trip to New York. First class is awesome. If I could figure out a way to pay extra and skip airport security, that'd be great. No terrorist is gonna pay five grand for a ticket, that's absurd. If I were a suicide bomber, I'd fly first class, but that's just me. I'm not holding my breath for seventy-something virgins and that stuff.

I spun google earth a few times and clicked in a random place, like I would fly there, but I kept getting ocean. I zoomed in to one of the spots, and there was a tiny little island with no airport there. I could fly to fiji and charter a helicopter or something. It looks like there's a little fishing village by the bay. I could pay some guy to stay in his hut. It would be most tranquil. I wonder what I'd do there, watch the bay? Go fish?




Sunday, July 1, 2007

iPhone, bitch!

I got an iPhone. Yay. I heard people were standing in line for hours or days or something, but I just got mine on ebay. Think, people. I should get it tomorrow. Wait, shit. They don't send things on sunday, do they? Even overnight? Damn it. It's not that far. I could contact the guy and try and pick it up. Nah, forget it. I don't want to be that creepy guy who calls out of the blue, like a stalker or something.

Now I have to change my whole service plan and shit. I don't wanna go through all that. Maybe I shouldn't have done this. I heard you can't even use it as an ipod without a contract. Whatever.

I guess that's it, though. I'm pretty sure this means I'm officially out of stuff to buy. That didn't take long at all, and I still have all this money left. What else do I need? I went on the sharper image website, because they always seemed to have some cool stuff, but most of it's just stupid. I could get like twenty air fresheners for this house and never have to breathe dust again. I could get an army of little robot dogs. all doing flips at the same time. That'd be pretty cool, I should do that.