Wednesday, April 30, 2008

One More Day

When I quit vices for the month of April, I didn't think I was gonna make it. Once a failure, always a failure, I figured. Somehow, I stuck with it. I've been through the withdrawal and come out the other side. I'm thinking clearer than I can remember, and I actually feel okay without smoking and liquor. My power is stronger, too. I don't worry so much about falling. I don't think about it, just let myself fly and enjoy it.

Now it's the end of April. I've been counting down the days. I had it all planned out, a cigar and a pint of Maker's Mark. Beautiful. Now I'm having second thoughts. How sick is that? What about the days when I fantasized about the May Day bender? I imagined waking up sometime around the fifth in an ER half way across the country with no idea how I got there.

I'm in a position to make another fucking decision. I hate this stuff. I guess there's always moderation, but what's the point of that?




Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Will It Be Like the The Office TV Show?

I'm getting a job. The more I think about it, the more I figure there must have been something to what my parents were trying to teach me with that work crap. So, to that end, I made an appointment this afternoon and had an interview at a temp agency. I had to fill out these forms, but the strange thing was that I actually remembered the last name of one my old bosses, Wylie. I don't know how it came back like that. I hadn't thought about her in so long, I figured the name was gone forever. Hell, maybe it's not even right, but it's strange what a little sobriety can do for the mind. A little later, I got to arbitrarily make up my typing speed. Look how fast I'm typing this. It must be a thousand wpm.

Then I got to the strangest question, "Briefly describe yourself and the qualities of your ideal job." I didn't know what to say. I had the resume I wrote years ago, completely filled with bullshit. I could have copied the "career goals" and "about me" from there, but that didn't seem right. I thought about this blog, the biggest contribution to society I've made in the past year. I considered writing about my super power, explaining what it feels like to fly, but I wouldn't want to jeopardize my secret identity.

I don't know what I'm looking for, why I went in there. I've never thought much about where I wanted to work, just what I could get and what I could get away with.

I know what I don't want to do, but I couldn't imagine an ideal job. A year ago, I might have said superhero. Maybe it's an ideal job for someone, but not me. The woman there said they mostly fill office jobs, so my improbably fast typing speed is probably gonna get me typing jobs. I can request things if I want, but that's a big if. Why did I do this?




Friday, April 25, 2008

Here, Hold This

I was out tonight, wandering around town, and I started talking to this homeless guy named Rodney. He was really friendly and kind of drunk. He kept talking about how God wasn't going to pay rent, how you had to earn it. He talked about how you have to love yourself. He talked about how he loved everyone, no matter what color they were. He went on and on about what he'd learned and what was really important in life, but that's not the point of the story.

The point is, he asked me to hold his cigarette while he got something out of his coat, and I didn't smoke any of it. It was right there in my hand, already lit, so familiar. Who knows, if it hadn't had homeless guy spit on it, what I might have done. Less than a week now before I can start again. I wonder if I will. It was so hard to get this far. What was the point of it if I just start again?




Sunday, April 20, 2008

Moving In For Real

I've been moving furniture all day, setting down a little bit of roots. Who knows how long I'm gonna stay here, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna live like a squatter while I make up my mind.

I'm starting to see things differently, starting to see solutions to problems I used to have in my life. They're still vague, and I wouldn't know what to do with solutions to old problems if I had them, but I could use some perspective. I wish I could be less vague. I hope I don't forget this feeling. Maybe there are solutions to life's problems after all...




Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Smoke Free Week 3

They say the physical addiction goes away after a couple weeks. I guess that's true. All the ups and downs I kept feeling during the times of day I used to smoke have leveled off. Now I just crave them equally all the time. Whenever I see someone smoking, I either want to be them or I want to punch them and run away. It's a strange feeling.

Now my strongest high and low are when I eat too much chocolate and crash a few hours later. I've quit so much lately, it's been hard to tell what any of my withdrawal symptoms are from. I'm even losing the callous on my lighter thumb.

I have all this extra energy and nowhere to put it. I should be pulling people off train trestles or some shit, but I'll think of something to keep myself busy.

Oh, and it looks like I don't have to pay taxes on inheriting the house now that it's been disinherited. Hooray me. I'd rather have the house.




Thursday, April 10, 2008

Words on Paper

Without any form of intoxication, I've completely run out of things to occupy myself, so much so that I actually started reading a book. I think it's the only book I own at this point. I brought it with me from the mansion because it's the only thing I can remember ever getting from my grandfather, my dad's dad. It's his copy of Don Quixote.

I never figured I needed to read the book because I saw part of the TV version with the Third Rock from the Sun guy. Turns out it's not bad. What really surprises me are these little moments in the book where Don Quixote stops being crazy, and he's like "I know there's no knights in real life, but there should be, and I'm gonna be the one to get it going. Once I do, everyone's gonna copy me, and we'll have an army of people defending the weak." I must admit I'm curious if he pulls it off. I'll probably read some more if I can't think of anything else to do.




Sunday, April 6, 2008

This Gum Sucks

And whoever suggested holding a toothpick in your mouth as a substitute for cigarettes was smoking something totally different. I'm going crazy. I can't stop thinking about what I'm not doing. I found a pen cap I can breathe through. If I really concentrate, I can imagine it's pumping that sweet, sweet smoke into my lungs. I'm sure I look absurd with it hanging off my lips all day.




Thursday, April 3, 2008

Long Lost Memories

I'm so bored. I had no idea how much time alcohol was taking out of my day, but if it hadn't been for all this consciousness, I might never have rediscovered something from my childhood. I used to watch this show when I was a kid, loved it, haven't thought about it in years. Now I find it on youtube. It's like a sitcom version of Ferris Bueller that was better than the sitcom of Ferris Bueller. It was called Parker Lewis Can't Lose, and this is the very first episode. Recognize the woman he falls for? It's a few minutes in.



Yup, it's Milla Jovovich, seven years before she was Leeloo Dallas. Crazy world. Great show. Good times.

I remember wishing I had that excuse rolodex, and that synchronize watches thing, they did that all the time. I was so young and wanted to get away with stuff just like he did. Wait, that's right. Those weren't good times at all. They sucked. That must be why I watched so much TV.

Unfortunately, according to my research, nobody gets Milla Jovovich in this episode. They decide not to let a woman come between them or some bullshit...




Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I Quit

No more smoking, as of today. I was gonna say no more drinking, but I did some research, and the internet said if you quit drinking too fast, you get delirium tremens, so I'll keep some beer around, but everything else is out.

I shall quit these things for the month of April. If I start again after that, I've still proven something to myself. Even if the change is temporary, it's possible. Fake it 'till you make it.

I've been thinking hard. If I could change and be anyone, I have no idea who I'd want to be. This could be the first step in a new direction or one more failed experiment.