Monday, August 27, 2007

Operation Successful

I had a crazy night the other day. Just when I thought my knees were getting better, I went and had sex. Don't get me wrong, it was pretty awesome, but who knew it could have negative consequences? I have to like balance my desire for sex against my physical well-being. Lame.

She took me to a hotel, which makes me more suspicious, but it was this classy little bed and breakfast. I spent the whole night prepared to discover that she was actually a supervillain, but nothing came to light on that front. Maybe a little more investigation is called for, with more sex along the way. I'll probably run into her again.




Saturday, August 25, 2007

Date Night

I can't write too long, but I thought I'd sit down and mention that I have a date tonight.

Remember that girl I ran into a couple times before? I ran into her again this morning. I went out to breakfast, because I was out of cereal, and I was too lazy to get more food delivered. She asked me out. Should I be suspicious of this? I kind of wonder if she wants my money. The first time she saw me was at the rich people's party, and she talked to me there. Then I saw her at this club, and I remember she said nice things about my iPhone. It's not a big deal. I've got a bunch of money to spare. I don't think she'll get that much. I'm gonna marry her. Isn't that how these women work?

I remember when I didn't have anything, and women still wanted things like relationships. I'm not that good at relationships, but neither are most superheroes, according to the movies I've seen. She could be my Lois Lane. Ooh, what if she's actually a supervillain, and that's why I keep running into her? I've been waiting for something like that. It'd be something to do.




Thursday, August 23, 2007

Property Damage, Ahoy

I just got home. I went out to the park tonight, to practice my flying. I wanted a big open space with a soft ground. I knew I'd be safe. Nobody comes to my park at night.

I stood at the top of the hill, because the whole park is on an incline, and it's always easier for me to glide without losing altitude that it is for me to gain altitude. There was a bench and table thing there, so I stood on top of that and jumped off. I'm getting pretty good at the kind of focus that lets me fly. I like to visualize some distant desert, far below me, coming up lazily to meet me. I jumped off the table thing and flew over the entire length of the park. It was beautiful. I didn't want to push myself that hard, but I think I was able to gain a little altitude at one point. I don't have a consistent image for that, but I think about the rollercoasters pushing me down into my seat. It doesn't always work.

The real problem I have with flying is that I can't really concentrate on where I'm going without falling. I don't close my eyes all the time, but I'm not really paying attention either, so when I got to the street at the far end of the park, I kept on going, and I ended up getting caught in the power lines over the street. It was really scary. I didn't want to grab on to them, because I thought they were going to snap, and when I started to think about all that, I lost my concentration and fell.

I was lucky a Saturn broke my fall. It could have been something much harder, or I could have hit the pavement. I was in a lot of pain after I landed, but I don't think there's any serious injury. The hood of the car got dented pretty bad, though. I wasn't sure what to do. Does insurance cover things when you're not in your car? I don't think anybody saw me. Nobody comes to my park at night. There was no alarm, so I just left. If anyone wakes up tomorrow with a big me-shaped dent in their hood, sorry.




Tuesday, August 21, 2007

World Crisis

I expected my life to be totally different now that I'm a superhero, but nothing's changed. I started watching more superhero movies. I don't know what's so different about my life from theirs. It's just not fair.

There's got to be something I can do, something not too hard, before I do the whole saving the world thing. How do you even save the world? Is there some evil mastermind that's going to call me up and threaten the world? Do I need one of those big justice league world crisis monitor things?

I tried watching CNN, but it was so freaking boring, and it was full of stuff I wouldn't be useful at all for, like something about Michael Vick's dogfighting thing, and there's no way I'm going into Iraq. It's not like I'd do any good over there anyway. One story that caught my attention was the space shuttle. If something went wrong up there, it'd be cool to fly up and do something about it. I can't go into outer space or anything, but maybe if I talk to NASA, they could make me some kind of suit where I could go up and be above the atmosphere.

Anyway, everything else I saw on there just looked like too much work. I don't really care about all that stuff. I have enough of my own stuff to worry about.




Saturday, August 18, 2007

Superhero Quiz

How the hell did this happen? I specifically said "no capes." And how am I 50% Catwoman? She's not even a hero. I thought for sure I'd get Batman or Iron Man, but there was no questions about being a millionaire and living in a mansion. I even got Superman over Batman. That's lame. And where's Spawn? I remember that guy. He was back from hell with revenge on his mind. I could totally be that.

Your results:
You are Robin
























Robin
57%
Spider-Man
55%
Supergirl
52%
Catwoman
50%
Hulk
45%
Superman
35%
Batman
35%
The Flash
35%
Green Lantern
35%
Wonder Woman
27%
Iron Man
25%
Young and acrobatic.
You don't mind stepping aside
to give someone else glory.


Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz





Thursday, August 16, 2007

I'm Super, Thanks For Asking

Wow, what a feeling. I can't concentrate and do it again, but I just flew around the room. It was the most bizarre and awesome experience ever. I floated up, did a few laps and touched back down. I feel like a goddamned superhero.

Actually, I kind of am a superhero, aren't I? I don't know where my powers come from, but I have one. Flying is a superhero power. Fuckin-a. I'm a superhero. I can't believe I didn't think of it before. That's great.

What does that mean? What do I do now? What exactly do superheroes do? I wish there were some, so I could ask.




Tuesday, August 14, 2007

My Life Is Its Own Thrill Ride

I guess it's been a few days since I've written anything. It's not that there hasn't been anything to say, but I haven't really cared enough to write it all down.

So, I spent the weekend at Six Flags. I rode all the rides a bunch of times, sometimes with my eyes open, sometimes with my eyes closed, focusing on the feeling of the g-forces pushing and pulling me back and forth, up and down. It's funny, how the first time you ride a rollercoaster, It's so surprising, and you can't help that little bit of out of control feeling, and the second time you get on, it's already predictable, like you know the place where they take your picture and try to make some kind of face. I couldn't ever get one I liked. There was one decent one, where I was trying to look excited. Maybe I'll post it.

The good news was, I was so tired when I got back, all I wanted to do was veg out in front of the TV and take copious naps, two things that get me in the mood for flying, and sometime last afternoon, in a semi-drowsy state and during a grand prize episode of AFV, or America's Funniest Home Videos to the layman, I was able to gain altitude for the first time while awake. I was lying on the couch, thinking about the rollercoasters, actually not thinking about anything. The best phrase I can think of to describe it would be to say that I fell up, while I was falling down at the same time. I guess I was falling up a little faster than I was falling down, because I ended up in the air above the couch.

I was still kind of sleepy, but I was also a little hungry, so I let myself fall towards the kitchen. I kept falling but never hit the ground all the way to the fridge, got some ice cream and fell back towards the living room. Finally, I let myself fall all the way down on the couch with my ice cream and watched the rest of the episode. The one with the singing cat won $100,000. Also, I forgot to get a spoon when I was in the kitchen, so I waited until the ice cream melted, then half drank it, half ate it with my hands.




Thursday, August 9, 2007

I Am A Little Disappointed


There's a strange thing about my friend calling me last week for advice. The thing is, he was one of the guys I used to look up to. I really thought he had his shit together. Now I find out he's more of a mess than I am, and I can see exactly what he's always been looking for. I look back, and I realize he was always looking for something to believe in, and whenever he had something new, he'd show it to me, and I'd be blown away. That's why I believed in him. Now I see that he's always going to be searching, for his whole life, and nothing's ever going to satisfy him. He's never going to find the answers he wants, because there aren't any.

It's like when you're a kid, and the people you look up to the most in the world are your parents. You think they know everything. Then one day, as you get older, you start to see the cracks in that armor. You start to realize they can be wrong. After that, maybe you start to look for other things to believe in, but it's always the same story.

In the end, the only person you can count on is yourself, but I know exactly how stupid and unreliable I can be. No, that's it. I'm out of ideas.




Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Going Up?


Wait a second, I've never been reverse skydiving, but I have done things like reverse bungee on carnival rides. No. Actually, I'm thinking more of a space shot ride. Hold on.

I just tried to visualize myself shooting up in the air like that ride, but I don't think it's going to work without being in some kind of super constrictive padded chair. The only real experience I can think of that would be close is like an elevator. Would that work?




Walking On Air

I practiced floating a bunch of times yesterday. I can do it with my eyes open if I really concentrate on the memory of falling. I did it in a bunch of different rooms in the house. I jumped off the dining room table and floated the entire length of the room without falling. I guess I'll keep going forward at the same height until I let myself fall. I also figured out that I could ease myself down by picturing the ground coming up to meet me.

Last night, I jumped off the roof of my house and floated across the street to the roof of somebody else's house. It was so exciting, I couldn't concentrate enough to get back. I knew if I tried, I'd fall. Plus, my roof is higher than theirs, so I wasn't sure if I could get the height I needed to get back. I stayed on their roof for almost an hour, trying to calm down. They had a door for roof access, but it was locked, and I didn't know what to tell them when I went down. They'd think I was breaking into their house, which I would be, but just to get back to mine. I don't know how to explain how I got on their roof.

So I waited until I thought I was calm enough and jumped off their roof. I pictured the ground coming up to meet me very slowly and eased myself down. I wonder what would happen if I pictured the ground going farther away? I don't think it would work, since I've never been reverse sky diving.




Sunday, August 5, 2007

Don't I Know You?

I met someone at a club last night. I saw a flyer on one of those, was it a telephone pole, and ended up going. She recognized me. I didn't know who she was, but she looked kind of familiar. I don't know anyone in this town. I ran down the list of possible ex-girlfriends who might have moved here, but she didn't look like any of them. She just kept talking to me. The music turned out to be lame, so we went outside and talked about how the music had turned out to be lame, and she gave me her number.

I don't know if I'm gonna call her, but this morning, I think I figured out who she was. About a month ago, I went to a really stuffy party with lots of boring people, and I think she was the girl I ended up talking to there. This is not a small city. These parties are not similar. What if this is more than a coincidence? I pretty much believe that everything's a coincidence, but I could be wrong. What if learning to fly and meeting this girl are all part of something? What if I'm supposed to call her?

If this is my destiny, it's got to do a much better job of clarifying itself, because I don't want to do all the work.




Friday, August 3, 2007

Looking Back

I got a call from an old friend of mine from high school. He's having a fight with another old friend from high school. It sent me into this whole regression thing. No, what's the word? Nostalgic.

I searched on myspace for all the graduates of our high school in the years surrounding our own. It's amazing how many of them are still living in that town, married, with kids. I found a girl who used to sit behind me in physics. We were good friends. Now she's divorced with a kid. I guess physics and I aren't really getting along right now. I think it's ignoring me.

Still, I don't know what to think about all this. Our reunion is still a few years off. I never had any intention of making something of myself, but it looks like some people really didn't try. If I did go, who knows how many eight or nine year old kids there'd be.

Is that what they want from life? I guess it's a good thing I didn't try to contact any of them to figure out what they were up to. You never know when people like that are going to suck you back into their stepford world. I don't really believe that, but I can't help thinking that's part of what society expects of me and how glad I am that I'm safe from that pressure in this house. Nobody tells me what to do. That's why I fired that personal trainer, because doing things is for suckers.




Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Jump Magic, Jump


Guess what I just did. I jumped off the bed and didn't land for about five seconds. I'm getting really good at this. It's easy, you just let yourself fall like you're not going to land, and you don't. I closed my eyes and imagined I was jumping off the roof like I did last week. I imagined the ground was like sixty feet down again, and it took me about the same amount of time to fall the five feet here as it did the sixty feet out there. The height doesn't matter at all.

I tried to imagine myself falling a hundred feet so I could float even longer, but I've never fallen a hundred feet, so I can't imagine it. I hit the ground while I was still trying to conjure the image, so that didn't work.

Then I just imagined myself falling through the air, like I'd jumped out of a plane, and that was perfect. I kept falling and falling. I really felt like I was in free fall. See, I actually did that once. When I was sixteen, my parents made me go. I took one lesson and never had any interest in doing it again. That was one of those jumps where you go with another person, and the sky diving teacher they strapped to my back was really into it, kept screaming in my ear the whole time.

Anyway, I tried to relive that experience in my mind. I thought about how that felt as a kid, and it totally worked. I don't have too clear a memory of the part after he opened the chute, just the falling part. I think I could have fallen forever if I hadn't opened my eyes. I saw where I was, that destroyed the illusion and made me fall. I hit the floor kind of hard, and my knees are still hurting, so that sucked, but if I can keep that in my mind while I'm in the air and get ready to land when I open my eyes, I don't have to worry about anything.