I Lost My Phone

I think if fell out of my pocket when I was flying. It's under warranty, so they're supposed to send me a new one, but I had a hell of a time trying to call them without a phone. I don't know any of my neighbors, and I didn't want to use any of their phones. There's no freaking pay phones any more. Finally, I found a public phone in the lobby of a big hotel downtown. I spent twenty minutes dealing with recordings and menus and waiting on hold. Finally I got through, and they said they're out of stock, but they still want me to fill out all these forms and stuff. They want a police report, like it was stolen, but I don't know what I'm gonna tell the cops. "Uh, I dropped it off a cliff somewhere." Even then, they're not going to send me a new phone until the next model comes out. This is bullshit. What am I going to do without a phone? How am I supposed to take pictures of my flowers? Why is this so difficult? Maybe I should just forget it.

Rough Winds Do Shake the Darling Buds of May

And summer's lease has all too short a date.


New blossoms are opening in my "garden" every day now. It's so gratifying, but look how the old ones are already starting to wither. I guess that's how it goes.

These plants give me hope. The fact that they were so dead when I started taking care of them, and now they're starting to thrive again means there might be hope for me too. Things can change. Even the fact that I care about these things means that change is possible.

I never once gave a girl flowers. They seemed so stupid and pointless. Now I've seen them blossom, come out of nothing, and I'm actually sad when they're gone. They're so fragile and fleeting. I'll never understand women, but maybe this is some small part of what they feel. I'm glad they got the chance to exist at all.

I'm Responsible For This

I just spent part of the afternoon pruning. PRUNING. I've never been responsible for another life, ever. I never even had a Tamagotchi when they were popular. A friend made me take care of his for the weekend, and it died because I never fed it. Now I'm watering plants, getting rid of the dead leaves or whatever. It may not seem like much to you, but look at them. They're alive. They have flower things. I don't remember if those were there before honestly, but the leaf things are definitely greener. I could have boosted the green in this picture, but I didn't. I can only assume the red parts of the leaves will grow out, now that the roots have nutrition from the water, and they're not choked by the rotting dead leaves that were there before. I hope they don't die.

All About the Benjamins

I remember reading the Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin a long time ago for school. I had friends at the time who were so envious of that guy, how much he accomplished in his life. When he was young, he wrote a list of everything he did, all the habits about himself that he didn't like. I don't remember what they were, swearing and stuff. Then he carried little notebooks with him for the rest of his life where he would put little dots next to the things he did, so he could monitor and improve his habits. I guess it worked for him. Actually, wait, I'll google it.

Ah, it was a list of virtues he hoped to achieve, and he'd put dots when he strayed from them. I guess it made him feel guilty about the things he did wrong and made him want to do better. I've never been one for guilt, so it might not work on me. I've never been one to envy the accomplishments of others either, so "the bold and arduous project of arriving at moral perfection" might not be the thing for me at all. I've always been more into Batman than Superman, but at least he did good overall.

I Want More

It's no good. It took me days to burn through that first stogie. I applauded myself for my self-control, kept putting it out when I felt I'd had enough. Then I bought another one. What am I? I woke up this morning and started drinking. Am I back to my old habits? They're so good. I enjoy them. Is it wrong to be happy?

I wasn't going to smoke this other cigar, or smoke it slow like the last one. All morning I've been lighting it up, smoking a little, then putting it out. I don't feel like I have enough. The last of the whiskey is sitting a few feet from me. I proved I could stop, but I don't want to. I don't have a reason to make it work. Why can't some villain show up and threaten the world? The power I have, the time on my hands, if only they had some purpose. In the comics, in the movies, it's always so clear. Where's the giant death ray? Where's the Skrull invasion? Why does real life have to be so hard?

Happy Cinco de Mayo

Take it, V...

Okay, my turn:

Remember, remember the fifth of... Mayo
The shots of tequila with beer
I know of no reason why the cinco of Mayo
Should ever be in arrears

You've been warned.

Green Thumb

There's three plants outside my window, two real, one plastic. I've been ignoring them since I moved here. I figured they belonged to whoever lived here before and they'd basically left them there to die (except the plastic one). Needless to say, they're not doing too well, but today, for the first time, I watered them.

I don't know if they're gonna make it, but I was reminded of a scene from some movie I saw years ago. There's a service for single guys, teaching them to be more responsible or something, and they issue them a fern. If they can take care of the fern, they get a puppy. If they take care of that, they get something else. So in the movie, they have some guy showing up all frantic with a dead fern shouting, "It's not my fault. You gave me a defective plant," or something. I hope I can do better than him.

Now the Time Is Here For Iron Man to Spread Fear

Went to see Iron Man today. I was really looking forward to it, but I thought it would be more like my life, and it wasn't. In the movie, Tony Starck is a millionaire playboy who's captured by terrorists and finds new purpose in his life. He works night and day to right wrongs and stuff. I liked the millionaire part, living in the cool mansion with lots of futuristic stuff, but then it lost me.

One of the great things about Iron Man is how flawed the guy is. He has a cool suit, but underneath, he's just human. He has problems like everyone else. I'm in the ASPCRDJ, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Robert Downey Junior, so I can't fault that guy, but I would have liked to see a little more of this:

The best part was when I was sitting in the theater thinking, "I'm the only real superhero who came to see this," but what if I wasn't? Maybe there's more of us. Maybe they don't blog. What if this kind of thing happens all the time, and nobody knows about it? Maybe none of them do heroic stuff either.

Sometimes a Cigar Is Just a Cigar

The dedication I used to have to drinking and smoking seem to have gone away. I still enjoy them, but I don't need them all the time. In fact, most of the bottle and some of the cigar are still sitting next to me. I thought the time apart would make me binge, but I just didn't feel the need.

I do feel different, though, now that they're back. I'm more relaxed, more comfortable in my own skin. The past two nights' sleep have been the most restful I can remember. Sure, these things have the potential to destroy me, but does that have to mean they're all bad? I've never seen the point in moderation, so maybe I'll just do whatever I want and see what happens. Maybe I can trust myself more to want less... Does that make sense?

In the words of Groucho Marx: "I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

You've Earned It, Kid

There they are, my reward for a job well done. I feel like I've earned them, that I owe them to myself, but do I really want to start again? If I just do these things, will I be able to stop? I remember the day I poured the last of my vodka down the sink. It's hard to be without these things, but I'm really trying this time.

"If you would not feel the horrible burden of time weigh you down and crush you to the earth, be drunken continuously. Drunken with what? With wine, with poetry or with virtue as you please, but be drunken."
-Baudelaire

Good enough for me.